LOVE ISLAND
LOVE ISLAND
If you're like me and buried in this obnoxiously long month that is January, with little bouts of solace, and on the cusp of a mental breakdown after a brutal exams season and even more brutal weather forecasts, I have the perfect remedy for you: Love Island.
There is nothing quite as comforting as trash reality TV, and Love Island is the crème de la crème of said genre. It has everything; drama, romance, laughter, stupidity, fashion, and more.
One could argue that it is essentially a study of culture. In fact, I believe that it will be a reference in future history books, a standard of modern television. A look into the shifting dynamics of pop culture and the revolving door of beauty and fashion standards. And a steadfast companion when life is ever-shifting. However, that is a topic for another day.
After many hours of dissecting and watching the epic dramedy that is Love Island: All Stars Series 2, I have come to the realization that these cast members were Egyptian in another life, or even in a parallel universe. And I know exactly who they might be, and today I will share my findings with you, gentle readers.
However, before I commence, I would like to reiterate that all opinions are my own, they are not meant to be taken offensive in manner. Ok, let's begin.
First we have Elma, who first appeared in season 5. Elma as an Egyptian is a university student named Sherry (pronounced Shari). She's from Alexandria and graduated from Shutz. She has just recently moved to Cairo into a one bedroom apartment in New Giza, and is a dentistry student at New Giza University. She has big dreams and a big heart, but the worst taste in guys. She constantly falls for the bad boys who have a touch of sarsageya-ness to them. We all have our flaws and unfortunately this is hers. She loves going to Hurghada but dining in Gouna. Cultured ASF.
Grace, who first appeared on season 11 is a BISC alumni. Her name is Lily and she has a Ukrainian mom and an Egyptian dad. She is a part time model and lives in Allegria. Her mom really wanted her to enroll in AUC, but her dad pushed for a UK education so she now studies at the University of Manchester. She has a British boyfriend and loves to go clubbing. She is currently studying business and entrepreneurship, as she wants to open a protein bar company after graduating. She plans on never moving back to Egypt.
Tina, a season 2 alum, is a Lycée Voltaire baddie. Her name is Yasmine, but goes by Jasmine, and thus Jazzy. She has two brothers and her parents are divorced, but live in the same building in Mohandeseen. She is a competitive track runner and trains in Nadi el Gezira. She spends her Fridays with family at her Teta’s house and she desperately needs a wardrobe overhaul but alas, she decides to instead start a brand. What a questionable decision, if you ask me, as if we needed another local brand of sweatshirts and sweatpants… But I digress. She has been dating her high school boyfriend Karim on and off for 3 years. He has cheated on her 3 times. After every time they would break up and she would cry out at her dignity yet still take him back regardless. Now she's on Love Island so her dignity is not a problem anymore, I guess.
Harriet, another season 11 contestant, graduated from NCBIS. Her name is Karma, her dad started from nothing and she grew up in Sharkeya, but he opened a furniture store that now has become a franchise. So they moved to Cairo, to the Rehab neighborhood and enrolled her and her 5 siblings in NCBIS. She has just recently completed her third year at AUC studying biology. Beauty AND Brains. She plans, however, on opening her own beauty salon, specializing in hair and eyelash extensions. She wants to move to Amsterdam for a year and then settle down roots in New Cairo. A Tag baddie at heart.
Gabby is an MES girlie. She still goes by Gabby but her real name is Gawhara. She is of Syrian descent. She is the oldest of her friend group since she failed math 3 separate times, and as a result has had to repeat the academic year 3 separate times. She excels in art and has since applied to art universities in Canada since she holds dual citizenship. She lives in Masr el Gedida with her father while her mother is awaiting her Canadian passport in Canada. She played football in high school but had a deep passion for crossfit. She wants to eventually become a personal trainer.
Ekin Su is an Allson alum. Her name is Nour and she loves to instigate issues. She loves to stir the pot. She lives in Palm Hills Golf Extension and is her father’s favorite of 4 children. She plays tennis every friday, and then sits in Seven Fortunes and transmits the daily gossip to anyone with an ear to spare. She attends ESLSCA University, but is planning to do a semester abroad in Spain. She perceives herself as an “It” girl and has her own fashion account because no one has the balls to tell her she dresses ass. She loves to film GRWMs on TikTok and to her credit has an overwhelming 100k followers.
Catherine is not Egyptian. She attended MBIS in Maadi where she lived with her family. Her father was the ambassador of Ireland and thus she had little Egyptian friends and lived in an Expat bubble. Her name is still Catherine. She is Catholic and attends Mass every Sunday with her family. She is secretly seeing the Talabat driver that delivers her Brown Nose coffee every morning.
Ronnie is the designated bad boy of AIS East. His name is Hesham and is in his school’s hall of fame for supplying hash in the bathrooms. His schemes were eventually discovered and he was suspended, but not expelled since his dad is on the school board. He looks like my left thumb yet still is able to get half the girls of the school to fall for him, a talent in itself. His biggest achievement was a Victory Royale in Fortnight 3 years ago. He has been chasing that high ever since. He lives in Katameya Dunes with his family and he is an only child. He attends Cairo University and plans on becoming a plastic surgeon so he can look at girls' boobs.
Casey is from Egypt and not Masr. He graduated from CAC with a cumulative GPA of 2.9. He is an avid skater and lives in Maadi. He speaks broken Arabic and loves Frank Ocean. He’s named after his paternal Grandfather Ibrahim, but he goes by Bibo. His blue eyes and light colored hair worked in his favor and he used to get all the girls until he opened his mouth and started speaking. An unfortunate characteristic. He attends community college in Florida and wants to eventually become an actor.
Curtis is a Mohamed from Nermeen Ismail School. He grew up playing gymnastics and eventually wanted to become a competitive dancer but his dad said no. He quit gymnastics and really got into wrestling. He graduated top of his class and attended university in Paris studying engineering. He switched majors a month in to pursue news journalism, citing Amr Adeeb as his biggest inspiration. He is a major mommy’s boy and lives to eat. His favorite foods include balah el sham, and sawaba3 zeinab.
Scott is another member of the MES community. He graduated top of his class 10 years ago and his name is Omar. He started a consulting business with his brother but went bankrupt when he invested all his money into cryptocurrency and as a result had to apply to Love Island while the rest of his peers have already started families. He likes to box on the weekends and his favorite drink is a virgin piña colada. He is an avid Gym Bro and is currently cutting, so he carries his food in a lunchbox. He has yet to proceed from the first date because of this reason, another factor that pushed him onto Love Island. He peaked in highschool and regularly goes back to campus to say hi to the teachers. Last time he went no one knew who he was. He still stalks his ex-girlfriend's Instagram.
Luca is a Seif, and an avid tennis player. He started off in BISC but has since moved to boarding school to have better tennis opportunities. He tore his ACL in his senior year and retired early, choosing instead to pursue investment banking. Unfortunately he is both mathematically and linguistically challenged, and thus one has to wonder how far he’ll go in life. Fortunately he has “pretty privilege" and was scouted to go on Love Island and after completing one year in Penn State university on a scholarship, he transferred to GW to pursue sports broadcasting. He plans on renouncing his Egyptian citizenship to avoid joining the military since he has 3 brothers and 1 sister. He lives in Zamalek but plans on staying in the US. His favorite city is Dubai.
Though these are completely open to interpretation, I believe them to be fairly accurate, though I am open to rebuttals and constructive debate. I give you gentle readers full reign to do so. I will see you next time in my next analysis.
By Malika Elshorbagy
Published January 29, 2025